An Open Note to Insomniacs and Those Who Hate Sports

As always, it's a late night for me. The only thing I want to do right now is lay in bed and watch some television and slowly drift off into that sleepy la la land where I'm a successful writer, legendary pro wrestler who also happens to be Spiderman, and I get to have hedonistic sex with whomever I please.

Obviously I'm here typing this so that's not happening. Due to the miniature tempest that Mother Nature decided to toss my way, my DirecTV service went out and instead of the soothing lull of SportsCenter I’m given a black screen with a DirecTV logo floating around. Surely anyone who knows me knows that’s not enough to ease me into a hard earned slumber after a rough day in the college trenches, so I decided to update my increasingly successful (I use that term loosely) blo-

Wait, the cable might be back…

Wait for it.

Damn. Alright, never mind.


My gripe about weather knocking out my satellite dish aside, premium cable is a great thing. When my mother told me we were switching from basic cable to DirecTV late last year I was ecstatic. Suddenly I was granted the Military Channel, the NFL Network, another History Channel, and even Toon Disney until is switched to the shittacular Disney XD. I went from under 70 channels to 200 in one Saturday morning and since then it have proven to be one of the worst investments my parents made if you consider how much of it I use.

It’s almost as if the more channels I get the less of them I actually watch. With basic cable I bitched all the time about the lack of entertaining programming and now with DirecTV I’m down to a rotation of maybe 5 channels. I would hate to see how bad I would be if we had FIOS in this house. I would probably just stare at the menu and watch that instead.

To illustrate the whole few channel statement, I should let you know that my television has not left ESPN in maybe 48 hours. I remember going to sleep with it on SportsCenter last night and that same show waking me up in the morning when my television’s alarm went off. When I got home from school I watched SpotsCenter again before going out on my nightly activities. After I finally decided to call it an evening I came home and started watching SportsCenter (now in its late edition) until this cunting weather wrecked my picture.

If you thought this was going to be something about TV, you’re way off. That’s my idea of an extended opening. I’m trying to put myself to sleep here and that failed miserably. Alright, time to carry on.

Generally speaking, I love sports. If anything, they give me something to consistently follow throughout the year and give me something to be devotional towards that will in the end bear little, if any importance.

In not unique having this thought. Lots of people are like me. Facebook and this year’s World Series proved that to me even after I picked out the bandwagoners, there are people who genuinely care about their sports teams just as much as I do.

The 2009 World Series will without a doubt go down as one of the most epic and important World Series in my crazy little Bordentown. Say what you want about the quality of the games, the dizzying social tornado it threw my town was definitely one for the ages. New Jersey being the middle point between glorious New York City and the bastard silver medaled Philadelphia was completely split down the middle when it came to the Yankees and the Phillies in the biggest game(s) of the year. The best part of it all was that I was there on Facebook to experience all of it through a severely flawed upgraded news feed.

I also had to read the people who posted those obnoxious anti-baseball and anti-sport status updates. I have no idea why these people decided they needed to share their anti-athletic opinions during the biggest sports event of the last six months. Perhaps it was because they wanted to feel important, or maybe edgy, or even out of the norm, but rest assured these people on my friends list need to be euthanized.

The stupidest argu-

Cable? You back?

C’mon….almost…

Fuck!

Alright, again, the stupidest argument these idiots made was how fans refer to their teams with a ‘we’ and not a ‘they’ like “Did the Phillies win?” “Yeah we won!” rather than “Did the Phillies win?” “Yeah they won.” There point being that we as fans really have nothing to do with whether a team wins or not and we’re all just insanely devoted mongoloids.

I hate people like this. To me they don’t have faith in anything. Sports are something people are devoted to because they’re not really important and we need something to have faith in. If you can’t put your faith into one sports team to win a meaningless title you’re lost in life as far as I’m concerned. I’ve always had more faith in the Giants than any politician or religion I’ve ever encountered, and when you care that much about a team you actually become part of that team. When Eli Manning drops back to pass and doesn’t see a clearly fucking open Steve Smith, it is me who yells to the gawking fuck that Mr. Smith is in fact open. Because Eli hears me in his head (I know he does), he throws a bullet for an easy 20 yards and a first down. Had it not been for me, Eli would have never seen Smith and therefore never gotten the 20 yard completion needed in order to score the game winning touchdown. Simple logic will always dictate such action.

That entire sentence sounds absolutely batshit crazy but anyone who devoutly cares about a team knows they’ve done it before. If you disagree with that sentiment then fuck you. In not writing this as an argument, I’m proclaiming this as fact. During the 2010 Superbowl or World Series stay off Facebook and bury yourself in the tree you hugged all week you sap sucking mother fuc-

Television is back! Sweet!