You're Not Omanyte, Asshole

For as much love as we have for each other, my girlfriend and I are complete polar opposites. Aside from a love of The Simpsons and obscure Japanese video games (see No More Heroes and Katamari Damacy) we have little in common. She wants to dissect a frog and I would rather dissect a poem. My love of Black Flag is lost on her, and her fascination with Tiesto escapes me. She watches the Kardashians while I prefer oiled up half-naked men wrestling each other. I'm obsessing over the NFC Wild Card picture and she couldn't give a shit. She aspires to be the next Gregor Mendel while all I want to be is Chris Jericho.

Get it? Complete opposites. The phrase opposites attract rings true in our case.


With all that said, we're also both incredibly hard headed and stubborn. Rarely will one of us back down in an argument. My bedroom often becomes a battle ground for two warring samurai to go at it until one of us rolls over an dies. Because I happen to be the male in this relationship, when the argument ends, it automatically becomes my fault. What was a battle of honor, Bushido, and pride gets transformed into a drive-by shooting where I'm accused of leaving my lover riddled with insult-laden bullets.


A quicker way of saying this would've been "Yeah, I get in trouble a lot," I just wanted everyone to feel my plight. Any guy reading this will know what I'm talking about.


With all that said, I'm probably going to get in trouble tonight for this. Certainly with her, and possibly with a few other Facebook fans. I never put warnings in any of my posts because, well, fuck it, but if anyone reading this has a love of the monsters in their pockets I highly suggest skipping this one. Don't un-fan me on the page, just skip this. I'll go back to insulting guidos soon I promise.


My problem tonight is with a Facebook movement. I'm not sure if that is the official title for this, but if not I'm coining the phrase. The last few weeks there has been a campaign for people to switch their Facebook profile pictures to pictures of cute, cuddly, Christ-insulting Pokemon, and at the risk of pissing a lot of potential readers off, you're all idiots.


Why? Because you're the beginning of the end for Facebook. It's bullshit like this, Farmville, and mongoloids who become fans of the most ridiculous shit that make me freebase baking soda and punch nuns. It damages the legitimacy of social network and makes you look like a retard in doing so. Myspace at one point was considered the legit social networking site but eventually turned into an Emo personals site.

Yeah your this;
















Is the Facebook version of this;


















You're profile picture of Ekans (HAHAHA get it!? That's snake backwards!! Clever Japanese!) might as well be a tilted shot of you in the bathroom with shitty makeup, hair, and in this case, bubblegum. They're not too different. I can only assume the goal here is to make a deep seeded statement that you as an individual are in some way 'anti-conformative' to every other asshole on your friend list who poses with a red cup in all their pictures. As edgy and hilarious as you may think you are, you're not. You're digital display of self-proclaimed obscurity and anti-conformity is null when you consider that you followed a group, albeit a minority and all conformed to making your pictures that of giant bugs and flame-ponies.

I completely sound like the goth kids from South Park right now and I'm ok with that. You cretins destroy the credibility of social networking. Go back to bitching about a dislike button or something.

My biggest question is why Pokemon? I know it's that kind of nostalgic, obscure, 'omg 90's' shit you people crave, but it's a poor choice. I'll argue it to the death that Pokemon was and is a silver medal as far as I'm concerned. The two biggest aspects of the franchise (Video games and TV show) are both outclassed by other products. For as much crap as I get for it, I loved Digimon when I was a kid. Every season of the show (there were five) was different, engaging, had a moving plot, and in some cases, dealt with pretty strong themes for a children's show. Season 3 was ripe with overtones about suicide, artificial intelligence, and the ethics of technology. That sounds fanboy-ish, but it's true. The Pokemon anime is 600+ episodes strong with the same six general episode story arcs. It's Ash wants this Pokemon, or fights/helps this trainer, or saves this Pokemon, or hey look a gym battle. Team Rocket tends to interfere and always loses. Wash, rinse, and repeat for twelve seasons. The only progressing part of the series is Ash attempting to get however many badges or whatever for that region's Poke-awesome-league only to move on to another region and do...the exact same thing.

Gripping fucking television there, and I'm aware that lots of television is like this. Hell, Knight Rider is the same episode over and over again, but at least it has a car that can speak full sentences unlike those bullshit creatures who can only say their name.


That's right poke-fanatics. Suck one.



I'm in so much trouble for this.

Acht Fünf Weibchen!

Finals are now over (finally), which means I can get back to a semi-regular schedule. That's probably a good thing considering the Facebook fanpage is about as dead as dead gets, and when I stop getting attention I stop blogging and just go back to being miserable and pissed.

Last week I decided to do a running diary of Jersey Shore, and by all account the couple people who texted me said they loved it, so I'm going to start a running diary of the show I'm entitling The Ham and Water Diary which I hope will be just as surreal and intense as the Hunter S. Thompson novel I stole the title from.

That said, I don't have week two up yet. Tonight I watched the episode with a friend and blogging while your with someone is hardly appropriate. Even I have standards. My goal is catch one of the million re-airings MTV will have between Friday and Saturday and have it up soon.


To keep the masses (43 fans hardly counts as a mass) happy I will now try and make snarky comments about something I found on Yahoo while I was checking my email.



America's favorite number-named athlete is once again considering changing his name. The receiver formally known as Johnson revealed a jersey with the back reading 'Hachi Go' which is Japanese for eight-five. His reason? A Japanese film crew was in town...well that and it's no longer Hispanic Heritage Month.

I kind of like this actually. I know Rodger Goodell doesn't appreciate the antics of Mr. Ochocinco, but this may be a great opportunity for the NFL to strengthen its global audience. Personally I say ditch the Japanese and go for the Germans. An 'Acht Fünf' jersey will sell considerably more than the Frankfurt Galaxy jerseys ever did.


Landung!

Guidorama

I've decided to switch things up tonight and do a running blog of the series premier of MTV's cashing in of Jersey and Italian pride we're oh so lovingly going to call Jersey Shore. I'm catching it at the midnight showing so all my my times will be a little later than normal. Comprende? Let's start.


12:01 - Right off the bat, how do you get a nickname like "The Situation"?

12:03 - My question was answered. Any guy with Rambo abs gets a situational nickname.

12:05 - The educated guido is the real guido...apparently.

12:06 - Jwoww? Jwwhy? I'm so clever.

12:09 - The first real bit of comedy thus far. A Squeakwal to Alvin and the Chipmunks. Pure hilarity.

12:14 - Loving this house. My summers would've been so much better with a house like this.

12:18 - What kind of alcohol do guidos drink anyway? I doubt this group of strapping young Italians have any sort of wine taste. Thank god I'm Irish.

12:24 - Guidetteiquette; Thong bikini > thong. Yes, there's a difference.

12:26 - First laugh of the show. "Quack quack quack! Who the fuck owns a duck phone?"

12:35 - Pukie breath is the primary concern here. Where's my notepad...

12:36 - Guido prayers done right.

12:39 - Can't wait for Disney's Soul Frog!!!

12:45 - "The situation is under control"

12:48 - Seaside Heights never looks this good. I demand reality.

12:53 - How come I never vibe with any ladies? This is depressing.

12:54 - I hope they call her "snickers" the rest of the season.

12:56 - This show really makes me want a hoagie. Just a random thought I want to throw out.

1:10 - My god, all the hair spray. No wonder I burn like a lobster when I'm at the beach.

1:15 - Jwoww and that poofy hair guy could have wacky haired troll dolls as kids.

1:19 - Penis piercing.

1:29 - First (but probably not last) disease of the summer; pink eye

1:36 - That's the fruitiest gayest drink I've ever seen. These guys are all like Adam Lambert.

1:39 - Don't cheat, eat ham and drink water.

1:46 - This "situation" situation will be marketed to death by the braintrust at MTV. Can't wait for those "situation" t-shirts at Hot Topic next spring.

1:50 - "I will cut your hair while you're sleeping"

1:56 - I need that montage song from South Park right about now.




First impressions? Wow, what an experience. As I listen to the sound of 'Lil John screaming "shots shots shots!" I can't help but think this is going to set my state back a hundred years. I'm going to try and make a weekly thing out of this so uh...stay tuned?