A Super Late Super Thanksgiving Edition...SUPER!

Eighteen years living in this great melting pot has given me a lot of time to form my stereotyped bias of everyone and anything around me. Stereotypes are great because they give us a preloaded template to make quickie judgment calls about complete strangers. It's essentially our mind's RAM, top of the head calculations and projections for any given person.

For example, I see someone with a NASCAR hat and I assume they drive a Silverado, beat their wife, and think I'm a queerbo for listening to From First to Last (although, even I think I'm a queerbo for that fact).

Here's another; I see a girl outside of Starbucks with auburn hair in a pea coat and scarf, her nose is pierced but it's discrete and her green eyes may or may not be hidden behind a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. She's reading a copy of Catch 22 and I immediately fall in love. My first assumption is that she is that one deep profound person I've waited all my life for. We'll watch the leaves change colors during the day and spend our evenings by a fire drinking moderately priced wine while watching Paris, je t'aime. Our dates will consist of debating Noam Chomsky, how Norman Rockwell was a fucking liar, and the hidden greatness of The Pixies while we adore our newly framed Gustav Klimt print hanging above our black leather couch. I'll endlessly compare her to Audrey Hepburn while she insists I'm her Fred Astaire and we'll be perfect together. A lifelong cuddlefest.



That last stereotype was incredibly well thought out. Let that meticulous rendition of Hallmark love not indicate that's what I look for in a relationship. I do however have a thing for glasses, pea coats, and auburn hair. Just saying.



It's particularly devastating to me when these stereotypes turn out to be completely false. When I find out that the NASCAR guy actually works for Merrill Lynch, drives a Z4, and does not actively engage in spousal abuse I'm crushed. When I get into that girl's Jetta and she's listening to T-Pain smoking Marlboro Red 100's and trying to talk to me about New Moon, I not only lose any hope that love does in fact exist, but I get the strange urge to slit Ben Gibbard's throat to see if his gurgling suffering will make any more sense than the pretentious crap he's peddled to me about love since 2003.



It's sort of like that. Complex emotions right? I lose it when those I stereotype turn out to be 100% different. It's like my powers of perception are somehow fading.


Tonight that happened with an entire country rather than a person. Instead of say...that cute girl outside of Starbucks, it's Switzerland.


Call me absolutely batshit crazy here, but did anyone expect this from Switzerland? When I think of the Swiss I don't really lean towards a nation of extreme right-winged discriminating xenophobes, rather I think of the country that brought us Swatches, those special bank accounts, and fondue. How could a country that has achieved universal health care be so ultra-conservative?

It makes no sense. My stereotypical image of the friendly alps and Michelle Hunziker playing the accordion is fading. I thought the worst you could get in Switzerland were those three guys in Celtic Frost. I don't know what a minaret is and I couldn't really give a shit, I just want my happy Swiss folk back! No more Muslim hating! Please! It's just a god damn building, let them have it! My view of the world is fragile enough as it is. Don't fuck up the Swiss for me please, I beg you.






Once again I go on the internet and once again my beautiful house of cards is blown down by it. It's now time to recuperate. Back to chain smoking and binge drinking it is for me.



What's next? Is someone going to tell me Polish people are actually smart? Like that will ever happen.

An Open Note to Insomniacs and Those Who Hate Sports

As always, it's a late night for me. The only thing I want to do right now is lay in bed and watch some television and slowly drift off into that sleepy la la land where I'm a successful writer, legendary pro wrestler who also happens to be Spiderman, and I get to have hedonistic sex with whomever I please.

Obviously I'm here typing this so that's not happening. Due to the miniature tempest that Mother Nature decided to toss my way, my DirecTV service went out and instead of the soothing lull of SportsCenter I’m given a black screen with a DirecTV logo floating around. Surely anyone who knows me knows that’s not enough to ease me into a hard earned slumber after a rough day in the college trenches, so I decided to update my increasingly successful (I use that term loosely) blo-

Wait, the cable might be back…

Wait for it.

Damn. Alright, never mind.


My gripe about weather knocking out my satellite dish aside, premium cable is a great thing. When my mother told me we were switching from basic cable to DirecTV late last year I was ecstatic. Suddenly I was granted the Military Channel, the NFL Network, another History Channel, and even Toon Disney until is switched to the shittacular Disney XD. I went from under 70 channels to 200 in one Saturday morning and since then it have proven to be one of the worst investments my parents made if you consider how much of it I use.

It’s almost as if the more channels I get the less of them I actually watch. With basic cable I bitched all the time about the lack of entertaining programming and now with DirecTV I’m down to a rotation of maybe 5 channels. I would hate to see how bad I would be if we had FIOS in this house. I would probably just stare at the menu and watch that instead.

To illustrate the whole few channel statement, I should let you know that my television has not left ESPN in maybe 48 hours. I remember going to sleep with it on SportsCenter last night and that same show waking me up in the morning when my television’s alarm went off. When I got home from school I watched SpotsCenter again before going out on my nightly activities. After I finally decided to call it an evening I came home and started watching SportsCenter (now in its late edition) until this cunting weather wrecked my picture.

If you thought this was going to be something about TV, you’re way off. That’s my idea of an extended opening. I’m trying to put myself to sleep here and that failed miserably. Alright, time to carry on.

Generally speaking, I love sports. If anything, they give me something to consistently follow throughout the year and give me something to be devotional towards that will in the end bear little, if any importance.

In not unique having this thought. Lots of people are like me. Facebook and this year’s World Series proved that to me even after I picked out the bandwagoners, there are people who genuinely care about their sports teams just as much as I do.

The 2009 World Series will without a doubt go down as one of the most epic and important World Series in my crazy little Bordentown. Say what you want about the quality of the games, the dizzying social tornado it threw my town was definitely one for the ages. New Jersey being the middle point between glorious New York City and the bastard silver medaled Philadelphia was completely split down the middle when it came to the Yankees and the Phillies in the biggest game(s) of the year. The best part of it all was that I was there on Facebook to experience all of it through a severely flawed upgraded news feed.

I also had to read the people who posted those obnoxious anti-baseball and anti-sport status updates. I have no idea why these people decided they needed to share their anti-athletic opinions during the biggest sports event of the last six months. Perhaps it was because they wanted to feel important, or maybe edgy, or even out of the norm, but rest assured these people on my friends list need to be euthanized.

The stupidest argu-

Cable? You back?

C’mon….almost…

Fuck!

Alright, again, the stupidest argument these idiots made was how fans refer to their teams with a ‘we’ and not a ‘they’ like “Did the Phillies win?” “Yeah we won!” rather than “Did the Phillies win?” “Yeah they won.” There point being that we as fans really have nothing to do with whether a team wins or not and we’re all just insanely devoted mongoloids.

I hate people like this. To me they don’t have faith in anything. Sports are something people are devoted to because they’re not really important and we need something to have faith in. If you can’t put your faith into one sports team to win a meaningless title you’re lost in life as far as I’m concerned. I’ve always had more faith in the Giants than any politician or religion I’ve ever encountered, and when you care that much about a team you actually become part of that team. When Eli Manning drops back to pass and doesn’t see a clearly fucking open Steve Smith, it is me who yells to the gawking fuck that Mr. Smith is in fact open. Because Eli hears me in his head (I know he does), he throws a bullet for an easy 20 yards and a first down. Had it not been for me, Eli would have never seen Smith and therefore never gotten the 20 yard completion needed in order to score the game winning touchdown. Simple logic will always dictate such action.

That entire sentence sounds absolutely batshit crazy but anyone who devoutly cares about a team knows they’ve done it before. If you disagree with that sentiment then fuck you. In not writing this as an argument, I’m proclaiming this as fact. During the 2010 Superbowl or World Series stay off Facebook and bury yourself in the tree you hugged all week you sap sucking mother fuc-

Television is back! Sweet!

Internet Addiction With My World Wide Wife 2.0

I love the internet. After surfing the web consistently since 1996, the internet has become somewhat of a constant presence in my life, and at this point I consider it like my second girlfriend. As sad as that last sentence sounded it's really true. Whenever we're together we laugh, we cry, we listen to music, talk to one another, and argue just like I do with the girlfriend who's made of flesh, DNA, and real reproductive organs.



Both lovely ladies have also caused me to lose a considerable amount of sleep throughout the years. Looking at the clock now it's 2:14 in the morning and even though I have to be at work in seven hours I show no signs of actually getting my ass off this chair and into my bed that is literally less than a yard away from me.



Simply put, I love this invention. At times I would probably fuck my router, and it's moments like that and the consistent sleep deprivation when I consider the thought that maybe I have an internet addiction



Consider no more James! Finally there's a test out there to tell me if I have an internet addiction! It's here and it's brought to me courtesy of....the internet!!


Insane hyperbole aside, after I took the quiz I scored a 39 which apparently makes me a normal internet user. I guess that means that it's the standard for people to treat their DSL line like a living breathing woman.


At least now I can sleep a little easier (whenever I do actually go to sleep) knowing I don't have an addiction.



What a relief.

GoGo Gaga Rangers!

I really shouldn't be writing this right now as I have a paper to write. What I should be doing right now is analyzing a book for English class and writing an essay on it.


I've been watching this instead;




I know I know, I didn't think they made Power Ranger music videos either.


From what I can gather this all takes place at Lord Zedd's palace on the moon and Lady Gagaranger is attempting to seduce Goldar. She does this with an army of Lipstick monsters in what looks like a sad attempt to replicate the Thriller dance. After impressing his lord evilness she kills one of Goldar's monsters, skins him, and wears him as a coat and proceeds to immolate Goldar to an unrecognizable crisp.


There's some more dancing in between and some sunglasses made of razor blades, but I didn't think that mattered. As far as plot is concerned that's all filler.




How the fuck did I understand all this when I was 5?

Random Judgements (And Vampire Jokes)

Random people are standing out to me in the media right now. He's a few to note;




San Francisco Giant and Cy Young Award winning pitcher Tim Lincecum was caught with marijuana in his car after being stopped for speeding on October 30th. He's only facing a misdemeanor which is cool I suppose. If anything this gives me a reason to sort of like the Giants next season. This is where I make the obligatory joke about him and Michael Phelps smoking pot together and everyone laughs at me for how current I am. Did you laugh? Alright, moving on.




Rivers Cuomo fronted alt-mainstream-mega-geek-hip-rockband Weezer released their latest CD last week. For the uninformed, Raditude is the 7th album for a band that hasn't been relevant (or good) since 1995. Rivers Cuomo seems to be working hard on alienating his fan base while trying to up his street-cred by having 'Lil Wayne rap on one of the tracks. I'm having a hard time convincing myself I still love this band when I listen to a lament about an alcoholic father from 1993 to songs dealing with wanting a pool in Beverly Hills and Partying in 2005 and 2009 respectively. Rivers also took time to dance in his underwear with Taylor Swift for a Band Hero commercial. The jokes never seem to end. Sidebar to Activision here; Stick with Heidi Klum.



Finally, after years of trying to either look like a woman or Lestat (I've yet to figure out which one exactly), lead singer of AFI Davey Havok has finally cut his hair. I've yet to decide if this is due to the fact that either a) He's going bald b) He's pulling a Metallica or c) He realized that long haired vampires are so 1998 and is trying to look more like Edward Cullen.




There you have it. Another blogger complaining about Weezer, talking about pot, and making vampire jokes.



With original material like that I'm bound to finally make this a success.

Free! Free is Great! We All Love Free! Hail Free!

Free shit is great shit. It's also unappreciated shit though. For some reason we get something for free so it's almost automatically regarded as having little to no worth. Example, I blog for free so this blog is regarded as to having little to no worth. See?


Last.fm is one of those unappreciated things. It may just be the best non porn website on the internet behind the Wikipedia and YouTube, yet I've never met a soul aside from myself who uses it. If you haven't already clicked on the link (you lazy fuck), Last.fm is a free music site. No registration required and absolutely no money to be paid. It's 100% legal, safe, and won't cause your inbox to flood with emails about penis enlargement. It has virtually every artist and genre one could think of and is easy to navigate and use. It's supposed to be sort of a social networking place for music fans to discuss music and share artists, but the main attraction to the website is the radio feature where you can type in any artist or genre and get a personalized radio stream of whatever you want and artists similar to what you want.


Did I mention it's free?

How more people don't use this service boggles my mind. It's as if they enjoy contributing to buying Steve Jobs another yacht by paying a dollar per song on iTunes. Granted with Last.fm you don't own the song like you do when you buy it from iTunes, but I don't think people are bursting with pride over paying ninety-nine cents to own Taylor Swift binary code to begin with. Every time I introduce someone to this website they are amazing with what it has to offer and then proceed to never fucking use it. So to illustrate how great Last.fm is I'll run through a radio stream to demonstrate the quality of this fine interweb establishment.



I'm feeling like System of a Down tonight. Why? No idea. Probably because I don't have them on my hard drive and I heard Toxicity on the radio today.

Let's start;

Song 1 - System of a Down. Awesome, that's just what I asked for.
Song 2 - Deftones. Not what I asked for, but similar style and time period so it works
Song 3 - Serj Tankian. Again, not System, but, well, Serj WAS the singer for them so this is fine.
Song 4 - Sevendust. Must be an error in the stream or something.
Song 5 - System of a Down. See? I told you! It was an error.
Song 6 - Limp Bizket. This isn't making sense.
Song 7 - Dope. What in the fuck?
Song 8 - Slipknot. Because that sounds so similar to System of a Down.
Song 9 - Ill Nino. This is starting to really suck
Song 10 - Dope. Alright, fuck, I'm done here.


I stopped the stream at the second Dope song because I'm absolutely convinced that there is no band shittier than Dope. They make Coldplay sound like The Beatles, and Kittie the musical equivalent to Opeth. When my System of the Down radio was one-fifth Dope songs there is a problem with not only the quality of the Last.fm product, but also in what I'm assuming is the script the streaming program is run with.



So maybe there is a price to free after all. Had I been asked to pay for Last.fm maybe they would have better service and keep the Dope out of my music endeavors.




Fucking worthless.